Marriage Counseling: What do you think our problem is?

This is a typical, but unique question at the same time. Reason being is, each couple presents with their own unique history and culture. Yet, at the most fundamental level, many of us are faced with tackling similar struggles. From the Gottman point of view, what couples struggle with the most is creating dialogue and figuring out how to deal with perpetual issues. 

Partners may have love and care for one another. In their ideal world, they would feel connected to their partner. They would be able to talk about their concerns. Many times, we have good intentions, but find that life gets in the way and the words and behaviors we express outwardly do not always reflect our deeper desires. The Gottman Method can help with this. 

The Gottman Method: Couples Therapy & Marriage Counseling

Whether you are pursuing marriage counseling, couples counseling, or even premarital counseling, the skills you can learn from the Gottman Method for Couples Therapy help you more easily deal with perpetual issues. In turn, many couples find that other areas in their relationship also improve. Areas such as friendship, intimacy, respect, and shared meaning. 

In the sections below, I will break down the Gottman Sound Relationship House Model to better answer your question, “what do you think our problem(s) is/are?”

The Sound Relationship House in Marriage Counseling

This model represents The Gottman Method and how we identify and work to resolve relationship distress. The Sound Relationship House consists of 9 parts. The first 3 parts that we will go over are how we define friendship within the relationship.

1. Love Maps

Starting from the ground level, the very first floor of the Sound Relationship House is all about building love maps. A love map, as Dr. John Gottman describes it, is a roadmap that we make of our partners’ psychological world. At your partner’s very core, who are they? What are their worries? Their stresses? Joys? Dreams?

The neat thing about love maps is that they are prone to change over time as we grow and change. So it becomes an area we can continually explore.

When relationships do not have adequate love maps, the friendship struggles, and partners describe feeling as though their partner does not really know who they are. Maybe one or both partners feel distant, like they are leading separate lives despite strong urges to come together.

2. Sharing Fondness and Admiration

The second level of the Sound Relationship House model is shaped by the presence or absense of affection and respect within the relationship. If this area of the relationship is lacking, this tells your counselor that you and your partner have struggled to build a culture of appreciation. When partners do not have a sense of fondness and affection between one another, they often feel unloved, disrespected, passionless. 

3.  Turn Towards

 Turning towards (versus turning away) is the third level of the Sound Relationship House model. This concept is all about bids for connection. What exactly does that mean? A bid is a gesture (verbal or non-verbal) that one partner makes with the intention to positively connect with the other partner. Examples of common bids we might see on a day-to-day basis are conversations (“Hey babe, how was your day?”), affection (kissing one another hello and goodbye), or even humor or actions of support.

As Dr. John Gottman describes, bids for connection are the small moments that make up the building blocks of the relationship. When partners have a hard time creating positive connections, they sometimes do not have the space to express their needs. They may feel criticized and frustrated.  

Marriage Counseling to Improve the Friendship

In couples and marriage counseling, the first three levels (love maps, fondness and admiration, and turning towards) collectively indicate the quality of the friendship between the partners. Your counselor will use the information you provide as a way to assess your relationship’s foundation. Friendship is important because it is the bridge that connects partners. If the friendship is hurting, the rest of the relationship will hurt (meaning, the remainig levels as we continue to move up the “house” will also hurt and likely be identified as problem areas).

4. The Positive Perspective

When we assess this level of the Sound Relationship House model, we are looking at the lens you view your partner through. Do you look at them with a positive lens? Or is it mostly negative? Does this lens change or stay the same when you are together or apart?

Partners who are in the positive perspective adopt a “benefit of the doubt” mentality. They understand you are on the same team and don’t take their partner being upset personally. For instance, “maybe they are having a bad day” is a thought that could occur from a partner in the positive perspective. These partners understand “my partner is my ally.”

Conversely, if one or more partners are in the negative perspective, they don’t see their partner as their ally and they find it difficult to accept or make repair attempts when conflict ultimately does ensue. By further strengthening the friendship, couples can work towards adopting a more positive view of their partner.

5. Manage Conflict

Every relationship experiences confict. This is one of the most common reasons couples seek marriage counseling. Many times, it is the approach couples use that leaves managing conflict so hard. For example, couples might attempt to tackle confict thinking they must agree or find a resolution, and when they don’t they become overwhelmed and escalation continues. In couples and marriage counseling, you will learn skills to remain in and/or regain control when emotions run high.

One of the ways we work on improving conflict is by creating dialogue. Through dialogue, we honor and respect both partners’ subjective realities. It is also important to remember that conflict is not all bad. It can teach us a great deal about our partner, their inner world, and how to love one another better.  

Marriage Counseling to Support Life Goals

Level 6 and 7 of the Sound Relationship House model both correspond to values and meaning. Each one tackles this a little differently. 

6. Make Life Dreams Come True

Here we look at how well the relationship holds space for both partners to talk openly about their dreams and aspirations. Does the relationship’s atmosphere support and encourage each partner to follow their dreams (and make them come true)?

7. Create Shared Meaning

This part represents the way partners move through time together. Per John Gottman, every relationship is a cross-cultural experience. Generally, we have two people with different backgrounds and experiences coming together to create a new legacy–an entirely new culture. One with unique rituals of connection, symbols, and shared goals. In this level, we determine how well you and your partner prioritize creating this inner life together.  

The Walls Which Hold the Relationship Together 

The final two components of the Sound Relationship House model are TRUST and COMMITMENT. Both are essential to have for any relationship to last.

8. Trust

Trust is defined by John Gottman knowing “my partner has my back and is there for me.” Do you trust that your partner is acting and thinking in a way that benefits you? Do you trust that your partner is acting and thinking in a way that maximizes both of your interests?

9. Commitment

Commitment is defined by John Gottman as not just believing that your partner is your lifelong journey, for better or for worse, but also acting on this belief. How well do you and your partner cherish one another’s positive qualities? How well do you nurture gratitude? These are some ideas that your counselor will assess in couples and marriage counseling. 

So, What Do You Think Our Problems Are?

Couples and marriage counseling with me will involve a very thorough and detailed assessment in which I look at your relationship from these many different perspectives. I use the information I gather during the first two sessions to create a treatment plan that will address the areas that pose as challenges to you and your partner. 

To learn more about the detailed assessment process and the stages of couples and marriage counseing, read How Couples Therapy Works.