Abandonment Trauma Healing

When an important emotional attachment is abruptly severed, our world as we know it shatters. Life gets very uncomfortable, and sometimes unbearable. We go through a significant period of withdrawal and we end up internalizing this pain as an attack on the self.

Without integrating our trauma, many of us stay here. We continue to doubt and criticize ourselves, never recognizing our value as a human being. Maybe we eventually learn that we are not to blame. Then we spend our time angry, living with rage to mask the pain. The longer we live like this, the more harm we experience.

Our goal, if we want to heal and find relief from these uncomfortable experiences, is to get to a state of genuine acceptance and forgiveness, not for our abandoner, but for ourselves. 

But first, let’s more clearly define abandonment trauma and the effect it has on our bodies and life.

What is Abandonment Trauma?

Abandonment trauma is an intense, often severe emotional response to being harmed or neglected in the form of abandonment. Feeling a sense of abandonment can happen at any age, and without appropriate healing, can condition an ongoing fear that others will leave you too.

“I can’t trust anyone.”

The severity of the abandonment and our personal experience with it is going to be different from person to person. What feels severe to one person, may not feel severe to the next. Our fears and experiences are subjective and unique to us. Therefore, there is no right or wrong in how we experience abandonment. Trauma manifests itself differently in all of us.

Types of Abandonment

Physical Abandonment can occur in the form of 1) separation (when a child is physically separated from an attachment figure); 2) neglect (when a child’s physical needs are not met); 3) abuse (physical or sexual abuse by an attachment figure that is supposed to provide safety); and/or 4) a lack of supervision.

Emotional Abandonment is characterized by the overwhelming sense of being left behind or feeling unwanted. The attachment figure may be physically available but emotionally absent. The individual is left with the impression that they are less important than others. They may feel lonely and disconnected from others, insecure about where they stand, or angry and jealous from a lack of connection. These experiences can biologically impact the brain’s pain centers and negatively impact important areas of functioning (fear of rejection, mistrust in relationships).

Blanket Abandonment occurs when an attachment figure is both physically AND emotionally unavailable and the child’s needs are not met.

Empty Nest Syndrome is a type of abandonment perceived by attachment figures when children move out and leave their caregivers alone. The attachment figures may feel lonely, empty, or without a sense of purpose.

Abandonment Trauma Recovery

Susan Anderson, an important leader in (and founder of) the abandonment recovery movement, has spent more than 30 years helping others overcome abandonment trauma. She is the author of many books such as the Journey from Abandonment to Healing and Taming Your Outer Child.

As Anderson’s career evolved and she learned more about abandonment, she identified five stages of abandonment trauma. In doing so, she coined the acronym S.W.I.R.L. to help us easily identify each stage.

Abandonment Trauma: A SWIRL of Emotions

S.W.I.R.L. stands for the five stages of abandonment trauma: Shattering, Withdrawal, Internalizing, Rage, and Lifting.

Stage One of Abandonment Trauma: Shattering

Shattering is associated with a feeling of devastation. This occurs when your dreams and expectations become shattered and you are left feeling alone, confused, and bewildered (Anderson, n.d.). You fall into this state of despair and panic and wonder how you are going to survive without your attachment figure (Anderson, n.d.). This mortal wound leaves you feeling hopeless, in severe pain, and in response, you may question your reasons to live (Anderson, n.d.).

Shattering can feel like this push-pull sensation where you still feel attached to your emotional life-line, which gives you a spark of hope before being pulled back down into a state of shock and sorrow (Anderson, n.d.).

Stage Two of Attachment Trauma: Withdrawal

Once your world has been shattered, you experience profound emotional pain.

The withdrawal phase is characterized by the pain of unmet needs. Regardless if you (the abandonee) or the severed attachment figure (the abandoner) believed they were good for you, that individual met basic needs. For example, maybe they provided a sense of safety while acting as a shield for you from other sorts of abuse or stress; or maybe they were a source of relief and validation in a chaotic environment. Maybe they provided financial security. The fact of the matter is, there was good there. Needs were being met.

Now that this attachment has been severed, you find yourself grappling with not only the ache of separation and a longing for their return, but also the ache of your unmet needs, creating a constant emotional struggle.

As time passes, the void left by your attachment figure grows more apparent, infiltrating your every waking moment (Anderson, n.d.). This intense yearning can mimic the physical withdrawal symptoms of addiction. You may experience a range of distressing sensations including weight loss, sleeplessness, and an overwhelming sense of wishful thinking (Anderson, n.d.). The heartache becomes an all-consuming cycle of craving and withdrawal, where you seek comfort in hopes of rekindling that lost connection and then experience extreme anxiety, fatigue, or exhaustion when the connection remains lost and the pain ultimately returns.

Stage Three of Attachment Trauma: Internalizing

The internalizing phase can be particularly damaging. As your emotional wounds, self-doubts, and insecurities become increasingly vulnerable, so too does the risk for deeper psychological harm.

In this stage, the pain of rejection begins to express itself inwardly. You may notice you start to criticize your actions, isolate yourself from others, or ruminate in negative thinking cycles (Neff & Germer, 2018). For example, self-blame tactics such as, “If only I had been… more understanding, more attentive, less demanding,” serve to idolize your abandoner and negatively impact self-esteem and self-worth (Anderson, n.d.). You struggle to accept that you could not have changed the outcome.

Stage Four of Attachment Trauma: Rage

As you begin to recognize that the abandonment was not your fault—there is nothing you could have done to make your attachment figure stay—you start to fight back. You find a spark of defiance and you experience rage (Anderson, n.d.).

This stage marks a pivotal moment in the grieving process. You start to actively resist the rejection, and the pain, in an effort to reclaim your sense of power. This resistance can feel overwhelming and may lead to depression and/or frequent and easily triggered anger outbursts. People in this stage often retaliate and direct their pain and frustration towards family, friends, and other important support persons. They may day dream about revenge against their abandoner (Anderson, n.d.).

Stage Five of Abandonment Trauma: Lifting

Whereas in Rage, your anger drives you to reclaim your power, in the Lifting stage, your anger is a catalyst for externalizing your grief. You begin to channel your energy outwardly: you replace criticism with forgiveness; you invite others in instead of push them away; and you replace cycling through negative thought patterns with mindfulness (Neff & Germer, 2018). You invite self-compassion into your grieving process and you begin to rediscover life with new wisdom and strength.

This final stage allows you to let go of the past, providing a sense of distraction that helps lift you from the depths of sorrow (Anderson, n.d.). You may start to feel a renewed sense of confidence and inner peace, finding meaning in your experiences of abandonment. You experience an openness to all your emotions, including the more painful and vulnerable ones. As you embrace these feelings, you become capable of forgiveness and are ready to love again (Anderson, n.d.). 

Signs of Abandonment Trauma

Trauma, in general, is not over when the main event ends. As described in my post on Trauma Counseling, trauma manifests by leaving a “legacy” of symptoms (anxiety, depression, addiction, hopelessness, etc.) that continues to give every day. Abandonment trauma operates in the same way.

Abandonment trauma is common and the scars we wear are not always visible. Common symptoms associated with abandonment trauma often include a significant source of fear.

• Fear of being left behind
• Fear of leaving unhealthy relationships
• Fear of being alone
• Fear of intimacy or commitment

This fear may drive the presence of other symptoms such as:

• Mistrust in others
• Anxiety
• Obsessive or intrusive thoughts (about being abandoned again)
• Being emotional disconnected or distant
• People-pleasing
• Co-dependency
• Self-sabotage (responding to others anxiously / negatively)

As symptoms become overwhelming, other symptoms may also manifest:

• Depression
• Low self-esteem
• Lack of confidence
• Hopelessness
• Helplessness
• Loneliness
• Worthlessness
• Control issues
• Denial
• Oppositional behaviors
• Anger and angry outbursts
• Hypervigilance
• Suicidal Ideation
• Need for reassurance

Depending on how your symptoms manifest and present themselves, they can be witnessed also in:

• Poor Sleep
• Problems with Appetite
• Poor Hygiene
• Lack of healthy coping strategies
• Impairments in Spiritual health
• Impairments in Occupational health

 This list is not all inclusive. 

References:

Anderson, S. (n.d.). S.W.I.R.L – The five stages of abandonment. https://susanandersonlcsw.wordpress.com/s-w-i-r-l-the-five-stages-of-abandonment/

Neff, K., & Germer, C. (2018). The mindful self-compassion workbook: A proven way to accept yourself, build inner strength and thrive. The Guilford Press.

Images provided by Vike_Glitter and RoonzNL on Pixabay